how do i hate thee.. let me count the ways

i guess hate is an understatement. hate is such a strong word.. you who i abhor . you shall not be named for naming you is such… a waste of clavicular action.. let me tell the world of how i deeply abhor your ways..no i don’t abhor you as a person..but i’d rather swallow a bucket of worms that exchange some intellectual conversations with you…
i abhor the fact that when we met we seem like we could really be good friends. i trusted you.. and maybe you did the same to me.. it would have been better if we could have kept it that way.. moving into the ‘more than friends’ drama is bs.. but hey, at some point i have to admit i thought it could be a good idea. i also have to admit that hey, i’m an insensitive twit and if it weren’t been for our friends, i wouldn’t have known about that dreadful thing called.. i can’t even say it.. you had no balls of telling it in my face.. about what you feel.. and i was caught off guard.. and so when i, after gathering the guts that i had left confronted you.. you said what’s wrong of not telling.. we’ll crud, here’s what’s wrong.. my radar is a bit rusty and unlike you, i don’t over analyze, i don’t make large assumptions and i don’t seize people up.. i simply don’t read people’s minds and say it in their face that ‘hey, i think you like me’ because that could really be.. number one: egoistic and number two: unimaginably egoistic..
you, crud, are twisted. i can’t believe that i’ve convinced myself to enter such twisted phase in our lives.. no, i don’t call it a relationship because in the first place we were already in one, along with the rest of humanity…. it a mutual thing which can be summed up to three words ‘friends with benefits’ . no, not that thing.. after all, i don’t even know you that much.. i hardly ever knew you anyway.. because you’ve always manipulated conversations toward if not school work and gossip, other people’s breakdowns or maladies..i am but a sponge.. and i admit that i let myself be a shock-absorber to people.. that’s me..
i abhor that you have no sense of urgency and time management.. how dare you make me wait for more than hour and a half..and as if it was not bad enough, you don’t even have a clue on what we are suppose to do or where you are taking me.. i can’t believe that that was the worst date i ever had in my life. how many times have i banged my head at the wall after that decision?? i swear the next day, i had the worst.. migraine in my pathetic existence.
what i also abhor how you want to reconnect burnt bridges.. which is just pointless.. look, if the feeling is gone, the feeling is gone.. poof! i understand that i’m not getting any younger and maybe it’s very immature of me.. but i just can’t made myself confront you for the second time.. as if the first time was not hell enough..and maybe it’s too late to unleash all this angst because there’s no point.. because it’s over. but here’s what i can say.. i hate myself for being the wuss that i am..for all the delaying tactics and for all the psychological warfare that maybe i learn from you..so forgive me for this self-flagelation because it’s hard.. it hard to admit that i am partly to blame for all that has happened between us and i am giving you all the right to curse me and hate me.. to even the battlefield.. you can hate me in countless ways until hell freezes over.. you can shove me off a cliff or stab me with knife the next time you see me.. sorry is all that i can say..sorry that either one of us have the balls to formally let it all go.. to admit such vulnerability.. to have such a pride as large as europe..
it’s a bitter pill that we have to swallow and that we have to let out a loud ‘tsk tsk tsk’ because hate is such a strong word and an understatement at the same time… all the drama makes me hungry. how about you?
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