I read an article last last Sunday in the Philippine Star. It was written by Francesca Ayala entitled Living through the art of losing (I’m not sure if you’ll be able to access the link though, I have trouble finding it again..) Anyway, it about how friendship ends. It can end in so many ways.In my life, there are so many ties that have been loosen and eventually cut off. Some merely acquaintances which became short-time bonds and others a mere get together that bloomed into what seems like an unending friendship. When I was in my elementary years, we have formed a group it was called T.U.F.A.C.S. I know.. it sounded like some sort of hip hop group wannabes. No way. hehe. I guess when you’re so young you thought that things are indestructible and things will not change no matter what. You have this strange perception that promises will not be broken once you say “Peks man, cross my heart, hope to die” (30x). You have made some sort of pact to yourself and to this people that you will always be friends. But no matter how hard you try. things fall apart. you are randomly chosen by fate to fall apart… to be scattered.. to be unevenly distributed to one huge social circle. And so you slowly move on but then fate is a bitch too like Karmi. You bump into each other again and just like in the movies, memories flash back. You are see an invisible screen turned on and you get a short trip to memory lane.You realized that you used to really bond with these people. The bond was like super glue for one second. I guess everyone changes when you reached puberty. The concept of friendship differs from one clique to another. The T.U.F.A.C.S. were disbanded before we even got our own record label, so to speak. People grow up and grow apart. It’s not a sad story. It’s just the way it was meant to be. *hibi*
You see, I always like looking back. gives me this sense of nostalgia. In high school, after being disbanded and unfairly thrown into different classes (sections) I was forced to mingle. I was socially dysfunctional. But o well, I got close to some people. The people I thought would only be friends with me if I was the last person staying alive.
I thought it would somehow be permanent. We both like magazine, rock music, basketball, plus we share some sort of abhorrence to the MEAN socialite girls in our school. We even wrote letters to each other even though we’re just one seat apart. But then I guess, I was right on that notion.She only liked me because I stand out among all the weird beings in the class. After first year, when we were no longer classmates, we just drifted apart. Maybe this wasn’t friendship at all. Or maybe, I just have some kind of separation-anxiety.
Yup! It was so high school indeed. However it was in 2nd year high school that I got close to the friends whom I have until now (?). They really put the huge F in friendship. If it was marriage, we have every right to celebrate anniversaries. We did not recite our vows but coz was merely implied. We were there for each other through thick and thin. We shared a lot of life’s ups and downs. But still, I guess things change like our wardrobe, our sense of style, our looks, our tastes. In silence, we drift away. Without knowing, the strong ties are loosen probably because it’s just part of growing up. We mature and we cope with it. We cope with the signs of the times.
What bothers me are silences. You know these awkward silences you get when you suddenly run into the person you truly admire and you’re simply tongue-tied and you just decided to ignore them. Perhaps, those weird moments when you’re caught in mid-air because you run out of words to make some new acquaintance comfortable. This things happen when people start getting to know each other. But this shouldn’t happen between true friends. These types of silences are those that can kill relationships. You just started to ignore each others text messages.. you fail to attend each others birthday parties, you no longer send long emails pouring your heart out because of a hellish break up or inviting each other to grab a bite just so you’d be able to catch up on what’s going on with their lives.It’s like you’re worlds apart even though you’re just one bus ride away. You start living in an alternate universe and speak alien language. Like what Avril said. “You’re starting to trip and we’re losing our grip.. I’m in this thing alone” (something like that, I don’t know the exact lyrics.)
What’s wrong? Maybe it’s just how the ending is. It does hurt. But they are magnified into the nth fold, if endings are not vocal goodbyes… if it’s just merely silences…as if there’s an invisible sign that say…no entry or please do not disturb. It’s not just ignoring the big snot that you see forming in your friend’s face. It’s like disregarding each others existence. There is huge vacuum from where I am to where you are. We can’t pass through each others vacuum because we don’t acknowledge that fact that maybe there is a gap. maybe there is something we’re not telling each other. Was it a mere misunderstanding blown into huge proportions? It’s tiresome to even decipher. It there a secret code, I haven’t broken to get pass to your gates–to get through you? Paranoia reigns inside my head.
Is this how some friendships end? Maybe I’m just paranoid. Or maybe I’m just not asking the right question.
Is the friendship over?
Is love always the answer? O wait, it’s not yet Valentines! Darn it!!