Dear Awesomely Sardonic Self (ASS),
My formiddable forecast is in the near future, by age 24 you are already old enough to be a grandmother.
But let’s not talk about that. Let’s concentrate on your present state of awesomeness.
Today marks the day of your ANNUAL SELF APPRAISAL (ASA). Also,here are some salient points:
1. Today, the weather will not cooperate. It will rain and the skirt you are planning to wear will not see the light of day or perhaps ever.
2. The zit on your left cheek had a rude awakening.
3. You along with other jologs such as Ding Dong Dantes celebrates their own pathetic existence. Hooray!
4. You have once again cheated death. Let’s save that for later.
But wait there’s more, I was browsing your files and stumbled upon previous posts of hedonistic commemoration of your first hoorah:
(Skip to the last paragraph, if you must)
AUGUST 5, 2005
Slightly unemployed, depressed and soul searching. A pact was made between me and my alter ego UTCHEE. Out of sheer boredom and attempt to change my sedentary life. So it shall be written..so shall it be done. I WILL GROW MY HAIR LONG. I WILL NOT CUT IT UBER SHORT (just a a maximum of 2-3 inches to avoid split ends) BECAUSE MY AUNT THINKS I’M GOING LEZ BECAUSE OF THE “DO”. Thus the journey towards hippiedom, starts. However due to the unyielding genes, my hair was not growing as fast as it should. One realization: I am stubborn all way to my hair follicles.
I bought a hair grower and well, hello….. Rapunzel.
AUGUST 5 2006
Fresh from the graveyard, I arrived around 7am bummed and sleepy. As I waltz inside the studio-type unit, I engulfed a distinct smell of vomit. Uh oh. Thoughts of who, what, where came across my mind and before I knew it, I saw the almost incapacitated form of a woman in all her wasted glory. Head pressed in the bathroom sink, almost kneeling down the floor and exhausted from what seemed like a bad case of a puking spree. Tsk.tsk.tsk.
I was itching to scratch her eye out for being this wasted but I was so high on my temporary supply of sugar that I hauled her almost unconscious self, put her to bed and volunteered my oh-so altruistic self to clean up the whole mess.
Yes. That was the highlight of my 22nd year in this planet. A prelude of my impending destiny as the new and improved domesticated goddess.
AUGUST 5, 2007
Nothing much to celebrate about really. I made a bad decision on not seeing a horror movie instead of that drinking spree which I really hardly remember. What was reminiscent is the amount of calories I haven’t burned. And until now, is still lying comfortably under my precious belly or at some point deposited itself at the back which is also known as the bra fat. O yes. they do exist.
But when you’re with the right company you wouldn’t really mind because what matters is you’re alive, you have enough cash to burn and you’re pigging out like there’s no tomorrow. Sooner or later you will have to look back at the amount of liquor your friends consumed and compared it to yours. You will realize how you suck at drinking. You should stay as far from the bar as possible to avoid a foreigner from hitting on you and your drunken state of availability.
Okay! Moving on to your present living condition…
The past years involved a series of bad decisions and unfortunate events actually. So this year, it’s time to redeem oneself. Let’s start with the long locks, even though your relatives (especially your aunt) will probably burn you alive. For some reason, they prefer the hippie Joyce over the clean-cut tomboy Joyce. Your journey towards financial freedom will start as your shampoo and conditioner consumption will be reduced to half *crosses fingers*.
I am quite scared of how your relatives will react when they see you on the 22nd for that family dinner whatsoever. The aunt’s family will be arriving in the mainland by the 20th. By that time, You might have put Sadako to rest already. And hopefully, You will not get a beating.
But the new and improved you have learned about taking risks. And as one wise Jedi once said… Maximum risks equals maximum gain.
Although I find it rather errm.. double standard. I bow down to the infinite morsel of wisdom imparted to a very inexperienced youngling that you are.
Therefore, my Plan of Action for you are:
1. Pretend to EAT RIGHT because you suck at dieting. It might just help lessen the chest pains. Act like you are fascinated by the palatable taste of veggies.
2. Burn some lard, fat ass. Pushing the remote control button does not help.
3. You must lessen your blogging time and concentrate on how you will be able to conquer the universe. You have 6 years to go.
4. Screw someone or something else and not your paycheck. Learn to freaking save.
5. Please try to be more pleasant. By pleasant, I mean SMILE. Some people think you are charming because you have this “chamomile-effect” on them(whatever the hell that means). So be more personable for crying out loud.
6. Stop testing the limits of your alcohol tolerance. Don’t compare yourself with the veterans, what were you thinking?
You are such a braggart. Tsk.Tsk.Tsk.
And when did this happen?
Tsk.tsk. pfft.. 24. Reckless Abandon…
You have a 2 week restraining order from any form of liquor. Yes, tough love. But you will thank me someday.
Now go away and see that cardiologist your company doctor recommended..
Your Awesome Super Ego.