Reunions: How I became an Oyster

August. Reunions. *sigh* Last August 22, because of mandatory and obligatory reasons I met up with my maternal kin. Well, hello FAMILY! It’s been a while since we last saw each other.

I remember the show THAT’S MY WIFE. You know, the one where the host gives out random facts and the contestants (the husbands) raises their card and says THAT’S MY WIFE.

Yeah. I can definitely win that if the show is called THAT’S MY FAMILY.

So here’s the random list of factoids, I could raise my card to:

1. Your Aunt upon seeing you for the first time (after let’s say 8 years) embraces you and drowns you with a thousand smooches. It will leave a mark on your cheeks and you will feel like the same old obese, asthmatic three-year old they used to call—-UTCHIKIKAY.

2. They still can’t spell your name right, UTCHIE, UTSIE, UTCHI. How hard can it possibly be U-T-C-H-E-E?

3. Your relative values TOGETHERNESS (literally and otherwise) even if you have to sit your ass in the compartment for the entire duration of the long drive to your Uncle’s house.

4. Your family has a bad case of SHORT-TERM MEMORY LOSS and eventually you’ll have ALZHEIMER’S by 30.

5. You were asked if you tried dieting for the last 24 years of your existence. And you came up with a reply like: “I tried reversing the food pyramid but I failed”.

6. Your aunt applies the CONSISTENCY AND VALIDITY method in questioning you ” When will you introduce us to your boyfriend?”. You were asked three times, DINNER, AFTER DINNER and the MORNING AFTER.

7. Your constant reply to the age old question are the variations of: I INVOKE MY RIGHT TO PRIVACY, THAT QUESTION IS IRRELEVANT or OBJECTION, THAT QUESTION IS SELF-INCRIMINATING!

8. Your rule of thumb is the less you talk the better— the lesser the likelihood of you becoming the butt of all jokes.

9. Your cousin is still an ass. He will not lend you the PSP even if you fake a seizure.

10. Nothing has and will ever change. You’re still a push over. They will make you eat vegetables, sit up straight, or stop slouching.

One conclusion, you can arrive at is: You’re still the obese, asthmatic three year old they call UTCHIKIKAY.

ETA

Last August 30, I met up with my paternal kin for the very very very first time. Crazy right? It took us 24 years.. That’s another story to tell.

August 31. I’m supposed to bid adieu to my maternal Aunt, who’ll be flying to the States but my spiking fever prevented me. Boohoo. I missed my chance of getting my early Christmas gift. Whatta bummer.

So yeah. I’m sick and until now, I’m still coughing ang puking eeky green stuff. This probably means… STAY AWAY FROM REUNIONS. HAHAHAHAHA. No, kidding.

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