To Crumble and Fall

I choked at my mom’s eulogy. There I finally said it.

I remembered that day, January 5, 2006. A day before she was finally laid to rest, my Aunt (her sister) asked me to do the eulogy. I never questioned why it should be me instead of my Dad. That night I wrote a few lines. I could only think of a few because growing up, I remember little times that we really had quality time together. I grew up with being the Lola’s girl really because Mom was busy at work and being a responsible sister to her family. She took care of some of my cousins and would also do other errands in the family. She’s always been the go-to person  because of her connections and her savvy ways. Mom’s great with people too. That’s how I remembered her.

Then that dreaded day came that I had to speak in front of a lot of people to finally said goodbye to her. I could not do it. She was gone too soon. I felt angry at myself for not being there when she was gone. I looked at the letter I was holding, I read the first few lines but skipped to the ending  – because I felt like I can no longer contain my tears and didn’t want to breakdown in front of everybody.

I did not want them to see me like this – with my Dad and my Grandmother there. I thought to myself that they need me to be strong for them. I did not want them to see me at my weakest.

I abandoned those feelings and failed to recognize that I haven’t grieved enough. I cried. But I haven’t fully gone through the proverbial steps of acceptance, wherein I thought several years back that I have had successfully passed those stages.

True to it’s nature (of defense mechanisms), I have learned that now I have a way of dealing with emotions. I do not want to see people that I am vulnerable so I build a wall around me. Some serious, shit right?  I have masked all those with my snarky attitude and razor-sharp wit (you haven’t met me, son). I could teach you a thing or two about sarcasm.

Sifting through all those past experiences brought me to this emotional breakthrough. Walls most be taken down if not entirely, just bit by bit.

So is this relapse or what?

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