Clearly, I am in the stage of my life where I am at my lowest. Considering that it’s 3pm and I haven’t showered. Yep, definitely at my lowest.
I’ve several missed calls and I am afraid to answer them because I’m running out of excuses. It’s not that I am a slacker. I never was until I just find myself not interested with what is happening and what is going on. I probably took the opportunities for granted – those paid vacations I just left unused. I was on a roll, I don’t want to stop working because I wanted it all to be done. I don’t want to be left with the idea that I am not doing something about every issue at hand. My hands were full but I have accepted that responsibility and my fault at that time (looking back, wow, things are really clear in retrospect) was that I did not delegate.
I found myself completely falling out of love (metaphorically speaking) and really dove head first into an abyss of self-doubt and loathing. When all the shit, hits the fan I felt that I have completely lost myself at something I loved more than myself.
Seeing accomplishments and learning that you’re making others people’s lives easier was something I took pride of. I’m probably the many few who thrive for hard work – hard word pays off if you just double your effort and maintain focus on the things you love doing. Team work and support system is also a plus as you are going to achieve greater heights when you are ONE.
But things fell out of control along with me becoming indecisive and loosing my objectivity. I kept writing about this because I’m probably a sore loser who can be extremely dissatisfied at the fact that I have not only let myself down but others who were counting on me for strength and support when they needed it.
Valueable lessons, I’ve learned through the whole process is that:
1.Never make a major life decision when you’re sad. Most like you will regret it.
2. Focus on the present. Do not think too much of the future. What happens now, predicts your future. So chill the fuck out.
3. When tired. Stop. Be aware of what your body is telling you.
4. Never walk away from a fight. It’ll catch up on you eventually.
5. Pressure is always there. How you react makes a difference.
6. Eventually, you would lose, accept it. Let it roll.
7. You’re going to need to be stronger. Not for anybody’s sake but for yours alone.
8. Conflicts arise, pick a side. Choose your side. The side that you believe in.
9. Trust your gut, most probably you’re right.
10. FEAR is just another four-letter word.
Easier said than done, but that’s just my two-cents about it. Whatever I am in, I’m taking this as a journey towards self-discovery. I’m going to continue writing because for the past 2 years I have denied myself of this catharsis.
I have lied to myself thinking that I was fine. I’m okay. I’m bulletproof. But I’m not and nobody is. I must break away from this because I know I’m much better and just like the rest of us, we deserve something better.
I don’t know where to look but I will not stop looking. I’m looking now…..and find myself asking:
- Do I want this to continue?
- How bad do I want this to end?
- What will I do next?