PUSH. Something I would always say to myself to keep me going, or to complete something because I need it to be over and done with. That is what I do. I push either myself or others if I have to. So in the end, I see something out of it – a task completed, or a sign of relief whenever I surpassed something monumental or even trivial.
Overcoming something emotional is however different, it meant maturity and mental preparation. It’s something that involves being vulnerable and having to swallow a large tablet of acceptance.
I choked at my mother’s eulogy. I was 22. I could not make sense of the words I wrote in a tiny piece of paper. I could not let go of the words. It was like there’s a lump in my throat. Facing the crowd, gritting my teeth and holding back my tears and grasping for composure. I choked. I read it fast and skipped some of the things I wanted people to know about her because I knew that was the end of it. She is forever gone and holding on to those words only meant that I was holding on to memories of her. Memories that soon may fade.
When she was final laid to rest, there was a sense of freedom to us knowing she’s finally at peace. But perhaps, I was holding on to the notion that we didn’t properly said goodbye. I came home, she was already gone. It was over. I wasn’t able to kiss her nor tell her how sorry I am for the times that I hurt her or not being there enough for her. I could no longer bring back those times I had relentlessly fought with her or bonded with her. They were in a bygone era of my youth. But I knew that I would have to let that go. PUSH, felt like a bitter pill being shoved in my mouth.
Containing that would just create a whole lot of issues. Grieving is a process we couldn’t just push ourselves to get over immediately. It’s a slow crawl at first, a time and space you would need to allot for yourself, for your peace of mind. Like wounds, allow it to breathe. Scars will form after. Absence will eventually become presence.
Overtime, you will just have to reach that final stage. In the end, we would all just need to accept that in order to move forward. We could choose to stay still and be quiet, separating ourselves from the world. But right after, we have to step out of the darkness.
Breaking through the surface or coming out we feel a bit stronger. We’re tougher now as we will always be coals constantly being polished by life to become diamonds in our own right. This for me meant, that I will never be perfect in saying goodbyes. Something I would continuous, learn and re-learn.
But hey, when it’s over that’s the time, we can breathe again.
Written for: Truth Thursdays