If I show you, who I am I’m afraid, you might not like it. And it’s all I got. – Sabrina Ward Harrison
When we were younger, we were always taught that lying is bad or that liars go to hell. So we avoided telling lies or else we face consequences or situations we need not to be in, in the first place. But as we grow older, we’ve come to realize that telling the truth doesn’t always come easy. There are certain truths that we have to face each day. Some truths about yourself or others that are hard to accept. Truths can break or make you. I’ve learned that somehow, if there are questions that I don’t wish to know the answer to, I’d rather not ask it. It’s self-sabotaging in most cases, I know.
In the spirit of Truth Thursday, I’d be breaking my silence to answer some questions that I know the answers to but fail to explore and acknowledge.
Q: Why don’t you wear your heart on your sleeve?
I used to. And I was too trusting and naive though. I’ve become really unhappy for the past years to the point that I started isolating myself from others. It has affected me personally and professionally. People see me as a guarded person and there has always been a reason behind which I did not intend to explore at that time. It came to a point that all those anxieties finally spilled open. Anxieties, issues I’d clearly suppressed with just about anything but work broke lose. I could not get up in the morning. I was too exhausted. I had stress-related pains. But tried to push on. However, I limited my interactions — still trying to build a wall. I kept all problems to myself, hoarded emotions because I no longer need to feel that I was weak.
I didn’t ask help or even if I did maybe it wasn’t that obvious. What I needed was beyond understanding. You would know that it would work against me. that it just meant I don’t want to be vulnerable. Numbing them meant I was shutting myself out.
I could not articulate my feelings, didn’t know where they were coming from and controlling it was something I would have mastered.
My walls were back up, brick by boring brick. This is what I do when I hurt. When I realized, I avoided pain. The pain of rejection, the pain of failure to a certain amount of time and degree.
Q: What is the source of this unhappiness?
Bad decisions, a series of poor choices bad from a lack of better judgement, a poorly-calculated fall-back plan stemming from heartbreak. A heartbreak but not from a break up but perhaps a series of miscommunication. I trust others too much. But when I do, I also gave them the power to hurt me. I used to think that I’m brave to face the truth about rejection or pain. In the past, I received quite a number of rejections. I’d learned to live by the saying “Expect for the worse, Hope for the best”. And that had gotten me across the toughest times then. But I seem to come out of it stronger. Heartbreak does not prepare you for anything. If not, it is a test we all want to pass unscathed. That when you are broken down, you can pick up the pieces and move pass it.
There a serious time when I had severely doubted what I am capable of doing. And that I’d given in the hopelessness. It’s one of those times I’d considered to be the darkest moments of my life. It was as if the dark cloud returned and I had embraced it with arms wide open. I stayed there. It became a blanket that warmed me from a cold reality of avoidance. It was comfortable being there. To not let anybody else hurt me again, it was utopia.
The truth is in this writing that need to stand up for myself and fight. Life is about fighting for the better days and that I am responsible for my own happiness.
Q: What are the things you wished you have said but you hesitated?
Starting off with phrases like:
I’m sorry it’s my fault. More than just apologizing but meaning to say sorry to ask for forgiveness. I could be careless and unintentionally through this, I hurt people.
No. A “NO” has always been associated with negating. A hard no instead of “maybe”, “sure”, “okay”. I’m still learning to agree to disagree. It is in this moments when I would have wanted to push for an idea, but hesitated because I have doubted myself. I need to push back with purpose and courage.
I need your help. Asking for help isn’t so bad. There will be times when you tremendously need one.
I started off with a quote from Sabrina Ward Harrison from her book Spilling Open: The Art of Becoming Yourself and I end it with this truth from this prompt with half of myself spilled open.
Written for: Truth Thursdays