With all the courage that is left within me, I inhaled and said
I can’t wait to find my way back into….. LIFE!
(cue: Music & Lyrics theme song)
My 20’s is almost up. And I haven’t proven much to myself and my family. Insert: NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. That’s a jarring reality that all those years of ranting over getting caught in traffic jams, getting drenched in the torrential rains, looking for the “dream job”, finally working in the corporate world, finding out that work-life balance is a dream within a dream (inceptioned!) and ultimately realizing that it is no different from the time you got left in the mall when you were two years old can be overwhelming. LOST. It can be too overwhelming to the point of causing so much anxiety attack, bouts of stress-eating and drinking to compensate for all those 20-something woes. Almost all existential questions raised, like the worst-hangover cannot be remedied by answering them one by one.
I am nowhere near settling down!! And I’m not pressured (though a lot are being overly privy about my dating life to which I want to say CALM THE FUCK DOWN and relax your body parts.
Ultimately, I want to get myself. Find out what I am most passionate about and just fucking do it already!! Fucking do it with all my heart and soul! I just want to get lost in the thing that I wanted to do, to find what I am meant to be doing for the rest of the remaining years I have. Life is too short to be filled with regret.
I haven’t been myself. I had been replaced by a zombie (except for the brain-eating part). I’m just going through the motions.
I’m see-sawing between finding my passion and being a better breadwinner. It’s tormenting that I have already failed at the latter. And I find it selfish if what I want to do will compromise my familial obligations. I can’t carry this guilt around. Slowly, I’m letting it go. Life won’t wait for me and I can’t wait no more. We only have one LIFE to live. From here on I just want to look at the bright side because when you hit rock bottom, all you have to do is to dust yourself and get back up, cowboy!